Cops Issue 'Slightly Unsettling' Press Release

'Tis the season of good will and all that but that's not going to stop me having a pop at my old mates in the Lothian and Borders Police press office. This is a couple of weeks old but it's too good to pass up, so here goes.

The famed media office issued a press release on December 1 appealing for witnesses to an alleged assault on two women walking home in the early hours of the morning in Duke Street, Leith.

The victims were verbally assaulted and two MONGS* threw some gravel at them before running off towards Leith Links.
A police spokesman said: “While neither woman was injured, this was an unpleasant incident which left them both slightly unsettled. We ask that anyone who was on Duke Street at the time of the incident and has any information that can help with our enquiries to contact police immediately."

Now, any person of any gender should be able to walk the streets safely without the threat of being accosted by the great unwashed and this was no doubt a frightening experience but let's go over that again - the women were not injured but "slightly unsettled".

And to help track down these ruthless criminals who have "slightly unsettled" the complainers a press officer has been tasked with compiling and distributing a press release to the nation's media.

Am I missing something? Oh yes, I forgot to mention the verbal abuse was "of a homophobic nature" according to the press release.

So, the next time an OAP's cat is abused by yobs or a gardener has his prized shrubs pulled up by neighbourhood neds can we expect a flurry of activity from the press office? Eh, probably not, unless the OAP (or cat) is gay or the gardener is of the uphill variety.

This PC-gone-mad police force will bend over backwards to mollycoddle every minority group but don't expect them to find a deid body lying in a garden or track down a rapist bogus taxi driver who then legs it to Africa.

*MONGS - police slang for Muirhouse or Niddrie Guffies