We've got the Oscars, the Golden Globes and the BAFTAs. Now the awards ceremony you have all been waiting for - The PLODITS.
With not even the slightest hint of embarrassment, Lothian and Borders Police have launched their own awards, giving out baubles to cops for er, doing their job.
Obviously no worldwide recession biting at Fettes HQ as the top brass took time off to present a pile of meaningless PLODITS at Murrayfield Stadium yesterday.
Deputy chief constable Tommy Halpin and other braided buffoons were on call to present the Force Excellence Awards 2008 which, and I'm not making this up, "recognise the outstanding achievements of groups and individuals within the Force".
The five categories are all so mind numbingly boring and dull that I will understand if you don't read on, but for the record they are:
Service Response Excellence Award
Public Reassurance and Community Safety Excellence Award
Criminal Justice and Tackling Crime Excellence Award
Sound Governance and Efficiency Excellence Award
The Valued Service Award.
There was also a Chief Constable’s Award for good measure.
I trust my colleages in the media will be making inquires as to how much this nonsense cost to put on and establishing how it contributes to cutting crime in Lothian and Borders.
Strangely enough there were no awards in the following categories which I feel would have been more apt:
The Failing To Find A Dead Body In A Garden Excellence Award
The Best Use Of A Police Flag Pole Excellence Award
The Spend £120k On A Crap Rebranding Project Excellence Award
The Best New Name (non German) For A Police Dog Excellence Award
The Let A Rapist Escape To Sudan Because We Didn't Go Public With The Assault Excellence Award.
And just to underline how much this police force are out of touch with reality they actually sent out a press release bumming up their PLODITS winners. Like we care.
Wednesday, 26 November 2008
Monday, 24 November 2008
Sunday Mail Whip Ass On Lothian Sauna Story
A member of the judiciary, spanking, whipping, hookers and saunas. What more could a red blooded tabloid newspaper want for their splash story?
Except a resignation or "retirement" and that eventually was the icing or whipped cream on the cake for the Sunday Mail's great weekend tale on Sheriff Andrew Lothian.
Lothian has been loathed for years by many who appeared before him at Edinburgh Sheriff Court - and that's just the solicitors - so there were few tears shed when the story began seeping out that he had allegedly been frequenting an Edinburgh sauna (brothel to you and me) and paying for spanking sessions.
I've never worked for a Sunday paper as a staffer so I've never really had to deal with the nerve wracking countdown to a Saturday deadline that Sunday newspaper staff have to endure each week, hoping their exclusives remain intact and rivals don't beat them to the punch.
It was always going to be difficult to keep a lid on a story about an errant judge and an alleged video or phone clip which had him, er banged to rights, and up until Saturday at about 2pm it seemed like Sunday Mail news editor Brendan McGinty and his team had pulled it off.
I'd got the call on Thursday from Brendan asking for help on what seemed a belter of a tale. Sheriff Lothian was no stranger to me - I had met one of his ex-wives, Harriet, some years ago over coffee in the Roxburghe Hotel in Edinburgh when she made claims about certain events which even I found too hard to believe. But my old mate Marcello Mega had more perseverance and patience, taking up the baton in highlighting the lawman's 'colourful' private life and turning Lothian in to something of a cottage industry in the same way he has done successfully with tales of my old adversary Mad Dog McCafferty.
Long story short - the Sunday Mail attack dogs covered all the bases, had snatch pics of the hooker in the bag and the story was shaping up fine.
But over post dinner drinks at Fusion (Aberdeen's finest new restaurant)on Friday the text messages I received seemed to indicate they were not over the finishing line and my impression was there was more work needed to nail the story.
Saturday morning and a text told me the splash was back on. The Scottish Courts Service had confirmed Lothian was "retiring" with immediate effect. But when I spoke to Brendan he seemed a bit underwhelmed about it all and perhaps by then he knew the pack were not far behind him.
Just after 2pm I got a phone call from a Sunday broadsheet, followed by a tabloid, both with bits and pieces of the story and asking for assistance but I politely declined due to the fact it wasn't my tale to give. Didn't hear from the Sunday Herald, who incidentally got the name of the sauna wrong in their piece.
A quick scan of the Sunday papers and while the News of the Screws had made a fair effort on the Lothian story there was no doubt the Sunday Mail had the full package and was streets ahead on a scandal which was later picked up by the BBC, Press Association and Daily Telegraph among others.
Ps. Never one to disappoint, Cello popped up in today's Scottish Sun with an exclusive interview with Lothian's ex wife Harriet and her ordeal at the hands of the sleazy sheriff. Nice one my Sun.
Except a resignation or "retirement" and that eventually was the icing or whipped cream on the cake for the Sunday Mail's great weekend tale on Sheriff Andrew Lothian.
Lothian has been loathed for years by many who appeared before him at Edinburgh Sheriff Court - and that's just the solicitors - so there were few tears shed when the story began seeping out that he had allegedly been frequenting an Edinburgh sauna (brothel to you and me) and paying for spanking sessions.
I've never worked for a Sunday paper as a staffer so I've never really had to deal with the nerve wracking countdown to a Saturday deadline that Sunday newspaper staff have to endure each week, hoping their exclusives remain intact and rivals don't beat them to the punch.
It was always going to be difficult to keep a lid on a story about an errant judge and an alleged video or phone clip which had him, er banged to rights, and up until Saturday at about 2pm it seemed like Sunday Mail news editor Brendan McGinty and his team had pulled it off.
I'd got the call on Thursday from Brendan asking for help on what seemed a belter of a tale. Sheriff Lothian was no stranger to me - I had met one of his ex-wives, Harriet, some years ago over coffee in the Roxburghe Hotel in Edinburgh when she made claims about certain events which even I found too hard to believe. But my old mate Marcello Mega had more perseverance and patience, taking up the baton in highlighting the lawman's 'colourful' private life and turning Lothian in to something of a cottage industry in the same way he has done successfully with tales of my old adversary Mad Dog McCafferty.
Long story short - the Sunday Mail attack dogs covered all the bases, had snatch pics of the hooker in the bag and the story was shaping up fine.
But over post dinner drinks at Fusion (Aberdeen's finest new restaurant)on Friday the text messages I received seemed to indicate they were not over the finishing line and my impression was there was more work needed to nail the story.
Saturday morning and a text told me the splash was back on. The Scottish Courts Service had confirmed Lothian was "retiring" with immediate effect. But when I spoke to Brendan he seemed a bit underwhelmed about it all and perhaps by then he knew the pack were not far behind him.
Just after 2pm I got a phone call from a Sunday broadsheet, followed by a tabloid, both with bits and pieces of the story and asking for assistance but I politely declined due to the fact it wasn't my tale to give. Didn't hear from the Sunday Herald, who incidentally got the name of the sauna wrong in their piece.
A quick scan of the Sunday papers and while the News of the Screws had made a fair effort on the Lothian story there was no doubt the Sunday Mail had the full package and was streets ahead on a scandal which was later picked up by the BBC, Press Association and Daily Telegraph among others.
Ps. Never one to disappoint, Cello popped up in today's Scottish Sun with an exclusive interview with Lothian's ex wife Harriet and her ordeal at the hands of the sleazy sheriff. Nice one my Sun.
Friday, 21 November 2008
Dead End For Fred the Shred
The End, screamed the headline on today's Scotsman splash by Lindsay McIntosh. It was the story of Fred "The Shred" Goodwin, the RBS boss who managed to ruin a Scottish financial heavyweight and bring about the slow death of a 280 year old institution.
The Scotsman has played a blinder in its coverage of the financial meltdown. Led by Bill Jamieson, (who also outshines his rivals on Newsnight)the paper has been a must-read for me as it picked up the gauntlet in challenging not just Goodwin and his disastrous management but the disgraceful and dishonest HBOS sell out by Westminster to Lloyds TSB.
For the last month or two The Scotsman has seemed like a real newspaper again, breaking exclusives on HBOS and giving clear insight in to the sometime impenetrable financial sector. It's been a welcome relief from the god awful diet of so-called endangered species scare stories dressed up as news.
But turning to the two page (4 and 5) spread on Goodwin's demise you have to wonder if the bottom-of-the-page banner advert is the result of good old fashioned coincidence or a cruel sense of humour on the part of The Scotsman page planners.
The advert is for another venerable Edinburgh institution. Established in 1888, William Purves, funeral directors, have been serving local communities for 120 years.
The blurb says: "We provide calmness, order and a sense of dignity - so that life, as it must, can go on with hope for the future as well as respect for the past."
If only Fred the Shred had adopted the same mantra, RBS might not be £20 billion in hock to the Government.
One final irony? William Purves, funeral directors, are located in Whitehouse Loan - a very short hearse ride from Goodwin's mansion in The Grange. Now he's on the rock 'n' roll he can pop in for some advice on how to successfully run a business when he's out for the papers.
The Scotsman has played a blinder in its coverage of the financial meltdown. Led by Bill Jamieson, (who also outshines his rivals on Newsnight)the paper has been a must-read for me as it picked up the gauntlet in challenging not just Goodwin and his disastrous management but the disgraceful and dishonest HBOS sell out by Westminster to Lloyds TSB.
For the last month or two The Scotsman has seemed like a real newspaper again, breaking exclusives on HBOS and giving clear insight in to the sometime impenetrable financial sector. It's been a welcome relief from the god awful diet of so-called endangered species scare stories dressed up as news.
But turning to the two page (4 and 5) spread on Goodwin's demise you have to wonder if the bottom-of-the-page banner advert is the result of good old fashioned coincidence or a cruel sense of humour on the part of The Scotsman page planners.
The advert is for another venerable Edinburgh institution. Established in 1888, William Purves, funeral directors, have been serving local communities for 120 years.
The blurb says: "We provide calmness, order and a sense of dignity - so that life, as it must, can go on with hope for the future as well as respect for the past."
If only Fred the Shred had adopted the same mantra, RBS might not be £20 billion in hock to the Government.
One final irony? William Purves, funeral directors, are located in Whitehouse Loan - a very short hearse ride from Goodwin's mansion in The Grange. Now he's on the rock 'n' roll he can pop in for some advice on how to successfully run a business when he's out for the papers.
Thursday, 6 November 2008
Steve Gets Abraham Lincoln After Obama Victory
We've all been there, some of us many times. A few drinkies after a great news week or a celebration of breaking a cracking exclusive or just being part of a team working on the biggest news story of the year. Any excuse would do.
And then you wake up the morning after and think - what did I say, what did I do last night?
So let's toast Adam Smith (or Steve Zacharanda)of the Birmingham Mail or more probably, formerly of the Birmingham Mail.
Adam, or Steve, got caught up in the Obama celebrations and may live to regret his unique take on being an international volunteer in the 44th President's Miami office.
I feel his pain and there but for the grace of God . . .
And then you wake up the morning after and think - what did I say, what did I do last night?
So let's toast Adam Smith (or Steve Zacharanda)of the Birmingham Mail or more probably, formerly of the Birmingham Mail.
Adam, or Steve, got caught up in the Obama celebrations and may live to regret his unique take on being an international volunteer in the 44th President's Miami office.
I feel his pain and there but for the grace of God . . .
Turf At The Top
I've been called many things in my days as a tabloid hack, most unprintable and all water off a duck's back anyway, but the ubiquitous Evening News veteran John Gibson has coined a new one.
Gibbo, knocking on 75 but still out and about in Edinburgh as much as he ever was, puts me down as a "turf publicist". He of course refers to my role as PR advisor to the award winning Musselburgh Racecourse (Ladies Day 09 tickets selling like hotcakes, get in there quick).
Gibbo is spot on and the food was indeed top-notch. The likeable owner, Mario Gizzi, seems to have notched up another winner with the opening of Cafe Andaluz in George Street, the first of his Spanish tapas palaces to open outside his native Glasgow. On a credit crunching cold Wednesday evening the place was packed.
Johnny boy finished off his column in typical fashion "If I've missed anybody out, it's intentional." Surely he doesn't mean Labour party heavyweight and former Craigmillar councillor Paul Nolan. It was a week ago, but Paul predicted today's Glenrothes by-election is too close to call and will go down to 500votes either way.
Let's see if he's right.
Gibbo, knocking on 75 but still out and about in Edinburgh as much as he ever was, puts me down as a "turf publicist". He of course refers to my role as PR advisor to the award winning Musselburgh Racecourse (Ladies Day 09 tickets selling like hotcakes, get in there quick).
Gibbo is spot on and the food was indeed top-notch. The likeable owner, Mario Gizzi, seems to have notched up another winner with the opening of Cafe Andaluz in George Street, the first of his Spanish tapas palaces to open outside his native Glasgow. On a credit crunching cold Wednesday evening the place was packed.
Johnny boy finished off his column in typical fashion "If I've missed anybody out, it's intentional." Surely he doesn't mean Labour party heavyweight and former Craigmillar councillor Paul Nolan. It was a week ago, but Paul predicted today's Glenrothes by-election is too close to call and will go down to 500votes either way.
Let's see if he's right.
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